I spent the evening at the library. It felt good to be out of the house and in a quiet environment where I could think. I wrote a little, and stayed until closing.
I think what bothers me the most about the last few days is how angry I've been after getting stressed out. I've forgetten things, I've dropped things, I've shaken with tension as I hurry at absolutely everything I have done.
My cat is sick, and has been inappropriately soiling and I am sick of cleaning it up. Twice a day! Then the whole kid-not-listening-not-to-mention-arguing thing, with my volunteer work not leaving me time to write or do anything of my own, and the struggle to keep up with daily tasks and watching, feeling helpless, while the day passes all too quickly and I have to stop what I'm doing yet again to move on to the next thing.
What I want - what I need - is more than a thirty minute block of time to put toward one activity. I need an hour or more to concentrate, to be absorbed. Whether it is sorting papers in the room that will be my work/craft/retreat area if I ever make room enough to spend time there. Whatever it is, I long for that feeling of getting lost in a project.
My daughter is not to blame. She's wonderful. I'm the one that needs to learn how to cope, be the adult, control the anger, to figure out a better way to get her on schedule without acting like our house is basic training and I am the drill sergeant.
Although, to my credit I haven't reached the point of calling anyone a maggot. Which is something!
3 comments:
Yup...This is what I was thinking in my last comment. It really sounds like you need to decompress from it all.
It's amazing how differently humans go about that, isn't it.
P.S. I SO related to the recycled "Cat in the Hat" saga you commented on my blog about!!!!
I volunteered twice a week when my son was in kindergarten and it was the most unorganized thing ever created. Every Tuesday and Thursday the kids worked in stations. There were five stations, and two volunteers were in charge of two of the stations. Each station had space for about five kids. The teacher would make an announcement when it was time to switch stations - every fifteen minutes. So basically it was this mad rush to get five five-year-olds engaged in and finished with an activity before it was time to switch to the next station. I always ended up sweaty and in need of a large drink. Holidays were the worst because the activity always involved giant tubs of glitter.
Don't you want me to move north now? Don't lie. You're into sweaty, cranky sahm's.
First, forgive yourself. The, I kinda don't know what to do after that, but these feelings are so normal, you think there'd be a solution by now.
Post a Comment