Sunday, May 30, 2010

Inspired By Pepper Botts

So I was reading Gwyneth Paltrow's blog the other day, and she wrote about getting into shape for a movie role. I've been feeling overweight and gross lately, and something in me snapped when I read the words "kale juice" among the list of foods she eats. It sounded really good, this pulverized kale with lemon juice. Maybe it's the idea of spring, but "grassy" lemonade sounded refreshing.

Here's the deal: I've decided that I've got to lose 20 pounds. That's not just a round figure (pun! haha...) that I pulled out of the air. If I lose 20 pounds I will be at a fairly ideal weight for a female who is 5'7" tall.

I will write about my weight loss, for my own record and to inspire, maybe, someone else to do something to get healthier. I'm going to be honest and record my actual weight once per week, some of what I eat, and what I do for exercise. Some of you may be interested, some would rather watch paint dry. I understand. It won't be the only thing I write about, but this will be a good way to record what I'm doing and, if I am being completely honest here, you are my motivation.

And please, do not look at me eat a slice of pizza or a tiny bowl of ice cream and remind me that I am trying to lose weight. I know this. I believe in small rewards and realistic expectations. In other words, you do not have to ride herd. Thanks, though.

I have some really cute clothes that do not fit, and some that fit but do not look good on me right now. It's time to do something about that.

Starting weight: 161.0

I can't believe it, but there it is. Let the weight loss begin!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Childhood Memory

My brother used to fart into a band aid box in order to "save it for later". Later, as ammunition against one of his sisters.

Sure, I could have told the story about how, as an adult, he walked a friend home for a dozen miles in the middle of the night, and then walked home by himself. He was just that kind of a guy.

The band aid box story is funnier, and goes to explain a lot of things about us. For instance, it explains why we are glad the old metal band aid box style has been abandoned for a cardboard version, with its loose, folding joints that allow for breezy drafts...

Monday, May 24, 2010


I adore Gap's Athleta store. I only wish I was in a higher income bracket in order to indulge every whim.

No complaints. I'm happy to have an income at all, I'm just saying.

Is it spring yet?

Saturday, May 22, 2010


My brother would've been forty-two years old yesterday. Instead, he died from Acute Myeloid Leukemia the day after his 34th birthday.

This was written by my mom.

I held my son’s hand when he died that morning in May. His left hand. When I wrapped my own hands around it, his bruised fingers fluttered faintly and I felt his response. “It’s alright to let go now, Ric,” I whispered to him. “Don’t worry. We’ll be alright.” A ghost of a smile flitted across his face. I watched the muscles in his body, tautly held so long against the pain of the leukemia, release their tension. His labored breathing stopped, and I knew he was gone. I wept then, wept and held my son’s hand.

He turned thirty-four years old the day before he died. He had resolved he would not die on his birthday. It was his gift to me, as our birthdays were only days apart. The Gemini sign linked us, and together this day we shared a gift. From our home on the hill, we watched a rainbow dance over a green pasture. Then I saw my son’s face soften as he slowly scanned the room, turning his head to capture every corner. He looked at me, our eyes met, and I knew on a primal, gut level that somehow we would be alright. He grinned his familiar, lopsided grin and said, with a twinkle in his eyes, “There sure are a lot of people in the room, Mom.” Physically, he and I were the only ones there, but I felt what he saw. He would not be going alone when he left us.

* * * * *

I chose my son. He came into my life when he was ten years old. He’d been in protective custody and foster care for six years, and had scars to show from those places. We had three girls who wanted a brother, and since my husband had been adopted, it felt like a natural choice for us.
We fell in love with Ricky the first time we saw him. We knew he would be our son. This boy, with the horror stories to match the scars on his body, now reveled in his adoptive status. He knew he had been chosen. At last he had a real home. His joy was contagious. I felt my heart grow with him.

Two dozen years later, at his funeral, someone – gratefully, I cannot remember who – said to me, “At least he wasn’t your real son.” I was too numb to respond. I knew it was meant to be comforting, but “not my real son?” If he wasn’t real, what was he? Ricky was the son of my heart, as real to me as any child of my flesh. I knew for certain: he was real, and he was my son.

* * * * *

Three weeks earlier, in April, the doctors told us they had exhausted all treatment options. We were still numb from that news when Ric turned to me and asked, “Mom, will you ever be happy again?” I looked him squarely in the face and told him – for we had agreed months before we would be brutally honest with each other during this journey – that I could not see any possibility of being happy again. My son, this wise old soul, turned his distinctive hazel eyes with the golden flecks in them at me and calmly said, “My life won’t count for anything if you aren’t happy.” I had no words, for I could not lie to this boy, this man facing his own mortality far too soon. Happy? I wanted to rant and rave and break something, anything, to release my terror at the idea of life without him.

* * * * *

Life was never dull with Ricky. This lanky young boy with the bowl-cut brown hair delighted in telling me how he tricked his sisters by catching his farts in a metal Band-Aid can and getting the girls to open the lid. I remember when he broke his arm playing football, when he wrecked his bicycle and needed stitches, when his skin turned blue from playing in the cold Oregon surf, all the while insisting he was fine. I remember those times as a teenager when he grew so fast he couldn’t walk without tripping until his coordination skills caught up. The daunting amounts of food he could eat. The fear from learning he might be epileptic, and the relief when the doctor said it had been a mistake. How do you wrap your mind around your child’s terminal diagnosis?

* * * * *

We brought him home to care for him those last weeks. We set up a hospital bed in the living room, and Ric laughed that the bed was standard sized while he was not, and his feet hung over the edge. He laughed when I cried at the unfairness of it, the bureaucratic bungling. He laughed and reminded me of how I had spent hours massaging his feet in the hospital with what I thought was lotion, and one day a nurse asked why I was using liquid soap. He had the cleanest, slipperiest feet of anyone on the oncology ward, and now they were hanging over the end of the too-short bed.

Those weeks surprised me. I thought we would spend long hours talking about weighty matters, but what Ric wanted most was to watch one more NBA season finale. The Portland Trailblazer basketball franchise was only a few years younger than him, and he avidly supported his team. But the games were on satellite, and we only had a network antenna. I asked him, “You want to watch basketball???” “OK, Mom, here’s the deal,” he said, “The games give me something to hope for, and I’ve gotta have hope.” I called the satellite company. A man came and aimed a device at the sky and said there were too many trees and it couldn’t be done. Couldn’t be done? Couldn’t be done? I would cut down every tree on our property so my son would have hope. I had already heard “couldn’t be done” in the worst possible context, and this wasn’t it.
I would make it happen. I called my neighbor, a seventy year old retired logger. He quickly mobilized his heavy equipment: truck, loader, crane, crawler, winches, and chain saws. One sixty-foot tall Douglas fir tree fell, and the ground shook. No signal. He cut down another, then another, tears streaming down his face, until the satellite guy captured a signal and gave a thumbs-up. Ric had his basketball games. He’d felt the ground shake when the mighty trees fell. In his battle for hope, he knew there were other soldiers actively engaged with him.

One afternoon while Ric was resting the telephone rang. I answered it and a man’s voice said, “This is Bill Walton. Could I please speak with Ric?” Speechlessly I handed the phone to Ric. Bill Walton was the tall, red-headed center forward who had led the Trailblazers to their single World Championship against the Philadelphia 76’ers back in the glory days of 1977, when my little boy was nine years old. Bill Walton on my telephone? How had that miracle happened? I watched Ric’s face transform from tension into a loose, ear-splitting grin as he realized he was talking to his idol. Then he was asking me for a paper and pen, and wrote down Bill Walton’s cell phone number. When he hung up, he was still beaming. “Mom, Bill Walton said I could call him anytime, day or night. Bill Walton, Mom!” And my heart sang.

In the early stages of the adoption process, we took Ricky to visit friends. A local television celebrity lived next door, and casually dropped in to say hello. Ricky’s eyes got huge and his mouth dropped wide open. “You’re Ramblin’ Rod!” he shouted. Rod Anders, aka Rambling Rod, sat down with Ricky and told him all about his cartoon show, and invited him to be on it. Ricky told us the next day he would be the best son we could ever, ever have, if we would please, please adopt him. His joy, when we assured him he would be our son, was a tangible thing. It was his trademark. Like the time he laughed so hard on the Zipper ride at the County Fair that he swallowed his gum. When he stumbled across a skunk and got sprayed. The time he was home on a break from college, and my 6’4” son stood facing his 5’10” father, who looked up at him and said, “You’ve grown.” Without missing a beat, Ric poked his Dad in the belly and said, “So have you.” This boy – this man – lived joyfully. He wanted it to be his legacy. He had run his lap of life’s relay race, and was handing his baton to me. “My life won’t count for anything if you are not happy.”

* * * * *

In the hospital, Ric’s visitors had been limited because he could not risk catching an infection or cold. I knew my son had friends, but now I was learning how constant they were in staying connected. In these last weeks exposure no longer mattered, and on good days he held court. We carefully planned those brief hours when he would rally his energy to cheer his friends who came to cheer him. His room was filled with cards and photos, balloon bouquets, and banners scrawled with words and sketches. High school and college friends traveled hundreds of miles for a brief visit with Ric. They told stories, laughed and cried, and laughed.

Someone asked me during those weeks if it wouldn’t be easier to lose a child suddenly, in a car accident, rather than slowly to a devastating illness like leukemia. How do you answer an impossible question? Twenty years earlier I had sat with a friend whose son had died in a car accident the day before he was to leave for college. It was horrible. Are those my only choices? How about (c) never lose a child at all?

Time turned a precious commodity when its boundaries came into sharp focus. Once I had time to kill. Time on my hands. When it was Monday I yearned for Friday. When I was fifteen I longed to be twenty-one. Time had been like an artesian well, always there in abundance, a never-ending source. Now I scrambled to find the controls. Slow it down! Form a reservoir to store it up! Give me back the wasted bits and pieces!

We talked. As the days slipped past there was a point when Ric realized hope would not be enough, and we talked. As he fearlessly faced his own mortality, we talked freely about living, and dying, and what we thought came afterward. “Live your life joyfully, otherwise my life will have counted for nothing,” he said. I promised, even though I had no idea what that meant. I promised, because I still hoped to stop time and keep him with me.

* * * * *

At his funeral we were surprised at how many people attended. We hadn’t known Ric had so many friends. We invited them to share stories, and they showed me another side of my adult son: his loyalty to his friends. The time he walked a girl home after they got off work past midnight, to ensure her safety. She lived four miles away, in a remote area. He delivered her to her family, turned around and walked home. One man said Ric was the only friend he would ever let dance with his wife. Ric never forgot his foster care years, and counseled friends enduring their own tough times. He saved the lives of two people who had talked about suicide. The palpable elements of authenticity and joy, lived out in his own life, spoke to theirs and forever changed them. He had built a solid legacy. It wasn’t just words for him.

* * * * *

One afternoon during that last week, Ric’s girlfriend came to visit, and I slipped away to a mortuary to make plans. It was a surreal experience. He wanted a service that would celebrate his life. I wanted him to live. There was a lag time between his acceptance and mine, but I knew I could not let him down in his dying any more than I could in his living. The mortuary experience somehow brought his heart and mine into alignment.

I sat beside him that last night, holding his hand and talking to him. He was heavily sedated but never alone. My husband and I took turns, grabbing naps and keeping vigil. We were both with him when our well of time ran out. In the process of releasing his remains and preparing for his service, I thought the season of receiving any more gifts from Ric had passed, but I was wrong. His body went through the cremation process four days later, on my birthday. On Memorial Day.

* * * * *

When he was young his sisters called him “Ricky Ticky” and “Ricky Ricardo.” In middle school he shortened his name from “Ricky” to “Rick.” After college he shortened it again to “Ric.” I told him I liked it, but if he made any more changes, his options would be initials only, or lengthening it back to his given name, Richard. “OK, Mom, here’s the deal,” he said, “It’s just a name. I know who I am.”

* * * * *

Ric had been specific about where he wanted his ashes spread: the Oregon coast. Victoria, British Columbia. The San Juan Islands. A year after his death we met with some of his friends in Lincoln City, on the Oregon coast, to begin honoring his wishes. It was late May, cold and windy. There was a dark, heavy, low bank of clouds stretched across the horizon. Each friend had a vial of ashes, and we stood huddled together, quietly talking and waiting. There was speculation that Ric probably had something to do with the fact that the basketball season for the LA Lakers, Portland’s nemesis, was going badly. I checked my watch - 11:22 am. We had come exactly one year from his death. At that instant, a hole opened in the sky and a column of warm, sparkling sunlight descended, only on us, like a spotlight. “Ric’s here,” one of his friends said in a hushed voice. I could see my own awe reflected on the faces of the others. And echoing the cries of the gulls soaring overhead, I heard my son, laughing.

Friday, May 21, 2010


After drinking a big, almond milk-based smoothie and suffering a righteous headache, I now suspect my body is highly offended by almonds. The smoothie recipe has been amended to include no almond milk. Thanks a lot, Gwyneth Paltrow.

This week has flown by. We had a rained-out softball game on Monday, which I hurriedly rescheduled for Wednesday and called each team member, only to have it cancelled an hour and a half before game-time due to rain.

Tonight we have a game scheduled, and the forecast calls for rain.

I built a fire last night after it snowed a little in the morning, and hailed a little later on.

Today contains fun-filled activities: I need to take my cat to the vet to have her sutures removed, but I don't want to put her back in the cat carrier. Poor Rumsie has been through a lot, having a tumor removed from her shoulder and then the skin pulled up tight to close the hole.

Rum sez, "Who would take this face to the vet?

Last week I was giving pain medication to a cat, and penicillin to a chicken.

Yes, this is really my life.

In case you're wondering which animal was easier to administer to, it was definitely the chicken.

Hatshepsut sez, "Brrrrrrrrrt!"

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


OC and I made some fantastic breakfast smoothies this morning. The combinations are endless, but ours were made with:

  • 1 frozen banana

  • 1/2 c. plain nonfat yogurt

  • 1/2 c. vanilla almond milk

  • 1/2 c. frozen blueberries

  • 1/2 c. frozen raspberries

  • several small ice cubes

The resulting tasty beverage is quite tasty, and full of protein, vitamins, antioxidants, and is low in fat. What fat there is comes from almonds, which is a healthier kind of fat than the kind that comes from animal products.

I bought the yogurt, almond milk, and blueberries at Trader Joe's, and all were very reasonably priced.

It's coming on summer, which is a great time to enjoy smoothies of all kinds, all day long. Bon Appetit!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Quoth the Raven

"Maybe you could be an art teacher. Well, if we still had art teachers."

----- My daughter, age 9

I've met more adults going back to school, and several who want to become teachers. When this recession lifts and jobs open up again, there are going to be a LOT of people vying for the same work. The veterans as well as the newly-graduated.

I went to the parent-teacher organization meeting tonight. The effort is to reorganize and regroup in order to accomplish the original mission, which is, to raise money for the school. A tough task, after the last president and parent TAMI ERIKSON, allegedly stole thousands of dollars in cash. The investigation is ongoing. Questions of restitution remain.

I wonder, how will the reputation of the PTO be restored? I know there are good people there, but the actions of one person can hurt the group for a long time. How can they ask the community for sponsorships, and the community respond after all of this? Hopefully, the result will be more involvement from parents, and more communication so that the community knows what good is being done on the behalf of children.

My daughter participated in a walk-a-thon which raised more than $10,000 dollars. It was a hot day, and the kids worked so hard and did a great job. And now, where is the money? The account has little more than $1000 in it. I wonder what Tami did with the money she allegedly stole from those kids?