Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Why Last Night Sucked: A Timeline

5:00 pm: Leave work. Walk to Nordstrom Rack. Have $40 coupon plus $50 birthday cash to spend. So happy! Is raining; don't mind, have umbrella.

5:18 pm: Arrive at Nordstrom Rack. Begin looking through clearance racks in women's section. Realize that most shirts are ultra-sequiny, way too many beads and sparklies. Like sequins, beads, and sparklies, but this is ridiculous. Find pair of Donna Karan capris. Very cute. Hope they fit; no time to try on. Price= $15.

5:23 pm: Move on to Junior's section. Find navy blue/silver just-the-right-amount-of-sparkly top. In Medium. Price= $8. Love!

5:27 pm: Look through outerwear section. Enjoy perusing Kenneth Cole jackets that are less than $100 when normally $200; see great brown leather jacket for $125, normally $199; see cute Columbia fleece jackets for $25, normally $45. Debate; Think; Ponder; Feel fleece; Try to choose color; like pink, like light blue, maybe black? Ultimately move on to shoes.

5:31 pm: Ride escalator to shoe section. Look...look...look. Need dark brown pair of shoes. Am picky: want something not too pointy-toed, not too dressy, not too boring, not too light in color. Must be able to wear with khakis and jeans alike. Look in boot section. Find dark brown boots with cute detail in non-pointy toe that will totally go with jeans or khakis. Price= $60. Love!

5:35 pm: Look at athletic shoes just for kicks. Find navy blue/orange Avias for $25. Must have, as they will match new navy blue and orange Denver Broncos sweatshirt, and since am now a new fan of Broncos find this to be: Awe. Some. Bonus: If ever became fan of Syracuse, am totally set.

5:41 pm: Purchase items. Feel that old enchanted feeling that comes with finding what you need/want.

5:43 pm: Walk back at car. Is raining. Hard. No problem! Have umbrella.

6:22 pm: Driving along, happily thinking of outfits at home that can now be worn since I have the dark brown boots.

6:22:11 pm: Hit bigass fucking pothole with a BAM!!! and feel tire deflate immediately. Didn't see bigass pothole AT ALL.

6:22:23 pm: Pull into NY NY Pizza parking lot so out of busy roadway. Wonder what to do. Is raining. HARD.

6:22:27 pm: Realize can change a tire. Hooray! Realize only have wool jacket, not something useful like a rainjacket. Shit. Call OH and tell him what's going on. He can't leave because OC is coming home at 7 pm. OH worries and tells me so because doesn't like that I am in dark alongside busy road in rain. Tell OH it is no problem, because I? Am a badass; Can change tire.

6:25 pm: Realize haven't changed tire on this car before. Is newer car. Need instructions. Find owner's manual. Easy!

6:27 pm: Remove spare tire, tools, and jack from trunk. Remove wheel bolt covers. Loosen wheel bolts. Think: Am badass. Also, changing tire in rain sucks.

6:30 pm: Jack up the car. Think: Am total badass!

6:31 pm: Break decorative plastic piece on side of car because placed jack in the wrong area. Move jack to correct area. Think: Am total jackass.

6:33 pm: Can't loosen one wheel bolt. Is round on outside. Consult instructions.

6:35 pm: Instructions say this is a wheel lock bolt, need special adapter, should be in tool kit.

6:36 pm: Search tool kit, trunk, glove compartment, and console; there is no wheel bolt lock adapter. Pour water out of tool kit because it is still raining hard.

6:42 pm: Call Roadside Assistance; Feel like total jackass ninny for calling because of stupid flat tire.

6:42 pm: "Roadside Assistance, can I help you?" Me: Blah blah flat tire blah blah can't find wheel lock adapter anywhere blah blah. Them: Blah blah should be in tool kit. Me: It's not. Blah. Them: Okay, will call for tow truck. Me: WHAT? Them: Is standard. Can't change tire without wheel lock adapter, tow truck drivers don't have wheel adapter either, suckah. But, this is covered by your warranty so shut up. Now, tell me, where are you located? Me: (gives address) Them: And the zip code? Me: I have no flying fuck of a clue what the zip code is, don't you have Mapquest? You don't need a zip code, jackass. Them: Nearest dealer is (mispronounce name of town that is 45 miles away!). Me: No, nearest dealer is Herzog Meier in Beaverton. Is more like 8 miles. Them: I show that Herz...what you said as being 44 miles away. Me: Argue argue blah blah argue. Them: Okay, let me put you on hold while I check.

6:45 pm: Head inside NY NY Pizza to ask for zip code. Notice wool jacket is soaked. Can squeeze water out of hair and clothes. Look like wet dog, however, do not smell like wet dog.

6:46 pm: Them: Okay, thanks for holding. It looks like.... Me: The zip code is 97219! Them: Oh, here it is. The zip code really helps. Yes, it looks like Me: Yes, Herzog Meier. In Beaverton. I know, it's just like I said. Them: Okay, tow truck company will be there within the hour. Me: Okay, and fuck you very much.

(Not really. I said thank you. But I was THINKING the other thing, because what, I am screwing with him and would rather take 44 mile tow truck ride way out of way, and am lying about that Herzog-Meier-in-Beaverton-being-the-closest-dealer thing? Jerk.)

6:48 pm: NY NY Pizza waitress comes outside to ask if I need anything. She's wearing this, weird, waterproof jacket. Note to self: Must look into owning jacket with miraculous water-repellant capabilities. Tell her am okay. Stupid flat tire blah no wheel bolt lock adapter blah. Thank her. Think: how nice!

6:49 pm: Jack down the car, put everything away, lock car.

6:52 pm: Go inside NY NY Pizza because there is a beer sign. They have beer! Need beer.

6:53 pm: Enjoy free beer from nice employees, who take pity on me. I think they are lovely. Leave big tip. They tell me that there were two people in here before me who hit the same pothole. Customer in NY NY Pizza asks me questions, tries to help. But alas, the wheel bolt lock will not be undone without that piece of shit adapter. Nice guy, tells me 'good luck' as he leaves.

7:59 pm: Tow truck arrives. Takes many minutes to load car onto truck. Wait. Wait. Notice that there is now a police car blocking the bigass pothole that I hit. Where were you two hours ago? Fighting crime? Oh. Whatever. Also notice there is man changing a flat tire right in front of NY NY Pizza. That guy's car doesn't need a wheel lock adapter. Envy.

8:45 pm: Arrive at dealer. Leave key in drop box. Weep. Am cold, because wool jacket is completely soaked through. Am screwed for transportation tomorrow, and have daughter to drag around with me, poor thing. Weep more. Get game face on when OH and OC arrive. Want OH to think am still badass. Show him injury on finger when I scraped it on the ground when I was jacking up the car. He tells me am badass. Feel loved.

9:38 pm: Arrive home. Get OC ready for bed. Make tea. Tell OH how cool the German-engineered car jack is, that the handle rotates so you can easily move it around and around, even when you are first starting and are close to the ground. Older jacks are not so good like that. Enjoy this fact even though I injured myself because I? Am clumsy when changing a tire in the dark in the pouring rain when I've never done it on that particular car before. Wish I had gotten to finish changing the tire. Was on my way to proving unarguable badass status. Stupid, non-existent wheel bolt lock adapter!

10:15 pm: Take hot shower. Think: would be total badass if had wheel lock adapter, whaaaaaa. Am not badass. Am baby.

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