Sunday, November 19, 2006

It's Not What I Had Planned, But What the Hell

Thank you for all of your supportive comments.

It is with great pleasure (and to all of your great relief because, enough with the complaining already, Complaining Girl!) that I announce that I have entered the phase which I I like to call Getting The Hell On With Things, Already.

I want you to know that I would not be at this stage if it weren't for you and your comments. Knowing that I am not alone is immeasurably consoling.

I think this is normal, going through a kind of grieving stage when it comes to major change. It is a kind of loss. Like any kind of loss, life goes on and you have to figure out how you're going to go about that now that what you didn't want to happen has happened. I've been reading a lot about concepts such as moving on and letting go. Laugh if you will; I understand the propensity to scoff if you're not in the dark night of the soul for yourself, but I am in the dark. Night of the soul, that is. Deeply. Or maybe I'm just going through some major inner changes. That's what the Dark Night is, I think.

There was a comment from someone who said what I wrote (what I should say is not 'what I wrote' but 'what I plagiarized', really; but I outed myself in that post so there's no scandal) seemed to apply to their own life right now, and they thanked me for it.

Isn't that what this is all about? Expressing ourselves, becoming better writers, and connecting? I feel so satisfied to be a part of that. I cannot tell you how many times someone's blog post has affected me personally, made me feel uplifted by the simple knowledge that at some X, Y coordinate there is a soul out there who knows what it feels like to go through what I am going through.

I think now that I might not die from this change.

I might be okay.

Dare I say, I might even like it?

What I have to do now is to find the good, and go from there. There's plenty to be thankful for.

It's really kind of funny how you can plan and plan your life, but Life will not be deterred from steering you where you need to be. Even when you don't think you need to be there. Even when you're pretty damn sure you don't want to be there, much less need to be, thank you very much. Still, the persistence of Life reaches even the most thick-skulled, resistant to change human being there is. Like me.

I have the opportunity to live in a new town, to meet new people and make friends. We have found an older house in an established neighborhood that is in walking distance to most everything one could need: school, library, grocery store, shops. At least, that's about everything that I need. This will be the first house my husband and I have chosen and purchased together. We never would have picked to live closer to town where we are now, and the house we live now is the house my husband chose on his own back when he was single.

The process to get us here has been pretty horrible. The fighting, the stress, the anger. I wish that had never happened. I don't feel good about that.

Looking forward, this is my opportunity to experience living in town and I'm looking forward to that. The neighborhood has big trees, quiet streets, and the houses lots of character.

I don't know how to end this post. That's it for now.


Izzy said...

Your new home and neighborhood sound enviably perfect to me :)

marnie said...

Here's what I think might happen...

1. You probably won't die from the move. Granted I wanted to kill myself during my last move... I think you will be OK.
2. You probably will be A OK.
3. After things get rolling and the big issues have been dealt with, I'm thinking you might actually enjoy it.

The beginning stages where there are so many "what if's" and plans to be made... sucks. Just plain sucks. Keep breathing, take it one day at a time, and eventually this big "project" will gain enough momentum to just move you guys through it.

Just think, you can clean out that junk drawer (you gotta have a junk drawer)! You'll know where everything is! You can have a pre-move garage sale and take the proceeds directly to the spa!