Lately marriage - or, my marriage - has been difficult; fraught with discord, argument, anger, and resentment. Maybe there has been too much togetherness?
I was uplifted today when I came across this passage from a book I happened upon in a display while leaving the library:
"Like so many other things, people have also misunderstood the position love has in life; they have made it into play and pleasure because they thought that play and pleasure are more blissful than work; but there is nothing happier than work, and love, precisely because it is the supreme happiness can be nothing other than work.
It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation."
--- Ten Poems to Open Your Heart, by Roger Housden. The passage is taken from a letter written by the poet Rainer Maria Rilke to another writer. See page 81, located in the appropriately titled chapter, "The Ache of Marriage".
The thing is, I'm having a hard time with the work of love. I know people for which love does not seem to be that much work. I envy them! I do not like fighting with my husband, steeling myself for another round of his excessive anger. The ups and downs of his mighty anger wears me out. Not knowing what to do about it wears me out. Not saying the right things to placate him wears me out.
There is something else, the omnipresent cloud that colors my everyday: I do not like living here. I do not like the cold and the dryness and the constant sunshine, being isolated from my friends and everything that I enjoyed. Greenness. Rain. People I knew. The extremely excellent school OC attended. I miss home.
I make the best of most days, I get out and meet people. I do try to have a positive attitude most of the time. But I cannot deny the reality that I do not like it here.
I like our house, where it is because at least we are in town and close to things; I like teaching my daughter to read, finding good books to read myself, working at knitting, making new beaded jewelry.
Mostly, I feel lost. I don't know what I'm doing here. I feel as though I have been forgotten about by Life and God and the Universe, that I don't have a place, that I am disconnected. I don't know what to do about that. I suppose I'll have keep going. I don't have any better ideas. Concentrate on the good, and keep going! Whoop de doo.
I'll keep reading Datinggod. She's always good for a spiritual uplift. I don't know how she stays so positive.
I have a lot to learn.