A life is defined through relationships with others. If that's true, then my life has gotten very narrow. Or maybe it just feels that way.
I mentioned to my husband that I was looking forward to hosting bunco this week at our house. This way, maybe someone would remember me, might want to call or stop by and have coffee. I said, very quietly, "I want a friend." And I meant, here, now, and a very close one at that! Someone I can confide in with my most terrible thoughts, and they won't think ME terrible or off my nut.
My husband said, "You just need to get out there, put yourself out there." When he said the words, he wasn't really thinking about it. Because if he was thinking about it he would realize that there isn't much on the list of Ways To Put Yourself Out There that I haven't done.
Get involved at your kid's school? Three mornings a week, plus an hour reading for SMART.
Find a church to attend? Almost regularly.
Sign up for a group? Spanish group, which is how I came to have a Spanish-speaking and English-practicing Mary Kay lady; bunco; PTO meeting; fall carnival at school; college (once I get past the advising office which is staffed with the minions of Lucifer).
I have a hairstylist. A part-time writing gig. I know a couple of other moms. With all of these people I am talkative and inquisitive and friendly, each and every time I see them (more or less). I also force myself to be outgoing and convivial at things like soccer games until I'm sick of hearing myself ask questions and sick of hearing myself talk.
WHAT MORE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?????
Everything is connected. You reap what you sow. If those are true, then I am connected to some people who don't need yet another friend, and at some point I am going to meet a very desperate, lonely woman, and I will brush her off.
I do okay most of the time. I realize this is going to take some effort and so I take lots of deep breaths and try to relax and give in to the waiting.