Thursday, November 08, 2007

Human Behavior

A life is defined through relationships with others. If that's true, then my life has gotten very narrow. Or maybe it just feels that way.

I mentioned to my husband that I was looking forward to hosting bunco this week at our house. This way, maybe someone would remember me, might want to call or stop by and have coffee. I said, very quietly, "I want a friend." And I meant, here, now, and a very close one at that! Someone I can confide in with my most terrible thoughts, and they won't think ME terrible or off my nut.

My husband said, "You just need to get out there, put yourself out there." When he said the words, he wasn't really thinking about it. Because if he was thinking about it he would realize that there isn't much on the list of Ways To Put Yourself Out There that I haven't done.


Get involved at your kid's school? Three mornings a week, plus an hour reading for SMART.

Find a church to attend? Almost regularly.

Sign up for a group? Spanish group, which is how I came to have a Spanish-speaking and English-practicing Mary Kay lady; bunco; PTO meeting; fall carnival at school; college (once I get past the advising office which is staffed with the minions of Lucifer).

I have a hairstylist. A part-time writing gig. I know a couple of other moms. With all of these people I am talkative and inquisitive and friendly, each and every time I see them (more or less). I also force myself to be outgoing and convivial at things like soccer games until I'm sick of hearing myself ask questions and sick of hearing myself talk.


Everything is connected. You reap what you sow. If those are true, then I am connected to some people who don't need yet another friend, and at some point I am going to meet a very desperate, lonely woman, and I will brush her off.

I do okay most of the time. I realize this is going to take some effort and so I take lots of deep breaths and try to relax and give in to the waiting.


Jen said...

It's harder for "us old people" to make friends, I think. Just when I think I have a close friend we both get (alternately) busy... and then suddenly we go 6 months without seeing each other.

Then it feels like we have to start all over again.

Have fun at bunco, and Good luck with the minions in the advising office!

Anonymous said...

If I lived nearby I would come over and keep you company. I have been so starved for adult contact since we moved here - I didn't realize how much I hung out with other adults when we lived on base. My dog is starting to prefer the outdoors to listening to me talk. ;)

Amy said...

I feel ya, sistah! I have never, ever had a real, true, honest trustworthy girl friend. And that is something I really want.

I can talk to my husband. Who is a man and doesn't get all the 'feelings' behind what I say. I can talk to my husband's step-mom, but she's in her mid-50s, her kids are grown. I'm not even 30 yet.

Umpteen billion people on the planet and yet I don't have a single one I can connect with.

Little Things said...

Let me know if you want to have coffee or something soon. I need a friend too! All my friends are hundreds of miles away, and I would love to have a buddy or six around here too!