Useful for Next Time

After the funeral for my mom's best friend which my family and I attended the day before my wedding, mom was going to take them for awhile to babysit for us. We needed to load the girls up in my mom's car. We went and got our cars and met on a side street across from the church, began loading things into mom's car and strapping the girls into their carseats. Sorry, I mean OM's car.

As we finished, we were chatting a bit when a car drove up. A man got out and asked if that was our car. He pointed to my car, which he had pulled up and parked behind. I said yes, that was my car. He then told me that he needed it moved so he could load things into his house. That was fine, I said I'd move it now. He went on to sarcastically explain that the four foot section of curb that was painted yellow in front of his house meant there was no parking there. OM told him we just got out of a funeral.

You might suppose that information might somewhat placate an angry homeowner who was miffed his yellow-painted curb wasn’t enough of a deterrant for obnoxious funeral-goers, but you would suppose erroneously. This angry homeowner was not placated by this information, but only got angrier as the exchange went on.

Now, the old me would’ve sheepishly gotten into the car and moved it with angry looks directed at Angry Homeowner, but without a word said. The new me, however, is more into standing up for myself. I said I understood what yellow meant, and that we were parked here temporarily and would be moving shortly after transferring items from one car to another. He said something else, which I forget now, and stalked off angrily to his Angry House, without unloading his car.

I left feeling angry, partly at the injustice of being yelled at just after a funeral, but mostly because I didn’t come up with anything really good to say to Angry Homeowner that would shut him up. It was one of those times when you can’t believe how rude the person is being, and you tend to clam up from shock at such a brazen display of asshole-ishness.

I realize this guy probably has it happen all the time, living across the street from a church, and I understand his annoyance. But, does he always speak rudely at funeral-and-church-goers for parking there? You would think he might find a way to deal with it gracefully. I can’t imagine funeral-and-church-goers telling him, “Fuck you, buddy! I’m staying here! Call the cops!” But grace and politeness would definitely ruin his Angry Homeowner image. Plus, it just pisses me off when people continue to be rude even though the other person immediately moves to correct the transgression.

I have thought of a comeback, albeit two weeks later and of no use against the original Angry Homeowner:

“I’m genuinely sorry to have so carelessly parked where it is clearly marked not to do so, and to have disturbed your parking and unloading pattern. Rest assured that my car will be moved immediately. I furthermore heartily convey that with a shitty attitude such as yours, your 4-foot yellow curb, much like your 4-inch limp penis, isn’t going to have any visitors. Now, go get your salad tossed so you can relax, and have the corn cob removed while you're at it. You'll feel better without something stuck so far up your ass.”

I firmly believe that with a little thought, good comebacks can prove to be useful in future encounters with assholes, even if they do not get used in the original situation which necessitated the conjuring of the comeback.

I feel ready for the next time. You just know there will be a next time.