I got to thinking about love today. It was this morning. I was at a coffee shop in town. When I could manage to block out the conversation from the girls at a nearby table who were talking too loudly and with too many "likes" in their speech, I found I really had a lot to say on the subject. Not a lot of answers, but a lot to say.
Mainly, I found out that I don't know a damn thing.
I am bitter, but I am also not bitter. It's just the way things are. The way people are. How can I fight that? It's a losing battle. I am accepting; I am indignant. I find these two difficult to resolve and so they are not resolved but content to fight within my head and heart. This does not make ME content, however.
Complicated thing, Love.
I come from a long line of divorced women. That's not to say they were powerful, nor were they helpless. No. It was something like a combination of both, and neither, at the same time. Also, trailblazers. Which leaves me wondering, where am I now after all of that? I am once-divorced. What does that mean?
Someone you love can love you and yet say the most horrible things to you...out of fear. Does it matter that it's out of fear and not out of loathing? Both the Love and the Terrible can coexist, possibly. It doesn't mean the love doesn't exist. It also doesn't mean you have to listen and take in what terrible things they have to say. So...what does it mean?
It's a game, it's not a game. It's life. Who knows what the answers are? I don't. I don't know.
In the end, do you want to be the old couple who've survived years and years of love, or the old person who is not coupled who has survived years and years of love? Are there other possibilities? Your love may die. Your love may leave you. You may leave your love. What is it that you want? There are no guarantees.
How much can your heart handle? How many times can you open yourself to "love" only to have your heart smashed and handed back to you in a thousand fragments? How many times can the heart rebuild itself only to be smashed again? How long can you hold out hope? How much of That Which You Did Not Want, can you accept?
How much faith do you have? In the Universe; Life; God?
I ask these questions of myself but I don't expect to know the answers right now. Or ever. Life is a process of finding out, both what it is all about and what I am all about.
Direction, however, is a different matter entirely. Direction is something I could use in spades. I need a big, fat red arrow and the words You Are Here. And a road map. A road map would be nice.
You hear me, Universe?