Saturday, September 09, 2006

Love & Existential Crisis

I got to thinking about love today. It was this morning. I was at a coffee shop in town. When I could manage to block out the conversation from the girls at a nearby table who were talking too loudly and with too many "likes" in their speech, I found I really had a lot to say on the subject. Not a lot of answers, but a lot to say.

Mainly, I found out that I don't know a damn thing.

I am bitter, but I am also not bitter. It's just the way things are. The way people are. How can I fight that? It's a losing battle. I am accepting; I am indignant. I find these two difficult to resolve and so they are not resolved but content to fight within my head and heart. This does not make ME content, however.

Complicated thing, Love.

I come from a long line of divorced women. That's not to say they were powerful, nor were they helpless. No. It was something like a combination of both, and neither, at the same time. Also, trailblazers. Which leaves me wondering, where am I now after all of that? I am once-divorced. What does that mean?

Someone you love can love you and yet say the most horrible things to you...out of fear. Does it matter that it's out of fear and not out of loathing? Both the Love and the Terrible can coexist, possibly. It doesn't mean the love doesn't exist. It also doesn't mean you have to listen and take in what terrible things they have to say. So...what does it mean?

It's a game, it's not a game. It's life. Who knows what the answers are? I don't. I don't know.

In the end, do you want to be the old couple who've survived years and years of love, or the old person who is not coupled who has survived years and years of love? Are there other possibilities? Your love may die. Your love may leave you. You may leave your love. What is it that you want? There are no guarantees.

How much can your heart handle? How many times can you open yourself to "love" only to have your heart smashed and handed back to you in a thousand fragments? How many times can the heart rebuild itself only to be smashed again? How long can you hold out hope? How much of That Which You Did Not Want, can you accept?

How much faith do you have? In the Universe; Life; God?

I ask these questions of myself but I don't expect to know the answers right now. Or ever. Life is a process of finding out, both what it is all about and what I am all about.

Direction, however, is a different matter entirely. Direction is something I could use in spades. I need a big, fat red arrow and the words You Are Here. And a road map. A road map would be nice.

You hear me, Universe?

6 comments:

GraceD said...

Married three times. Never gave up on love.

Fall down seven times, get up eight...and all that.

Let me tell you, dear OT Woman, that there is no neon sign blinking "You are here!" There is no map, and there's no Google search that can let you know where to go.

There's only your broken and "crooked little heart".

Trust me on this. Better yet, trust your heart.

Excellent writing here. Heartfelt. And there I go with all that heart business again.

Your fan,
GraceD

kerrianne said...

"Someone you love can love you and yet say the most horrible things to you...out of fear. Does it matter that it's out of fear and not out of loathing? Both the Love and the Terrible can coexist, possibly. It doesn't mean the love doesn't exist. It also doesn't mean you have to listen and take in what terrible things they have to say."

I really like that. Really. I need to learn to filter. To trust that not everyone says things that are hurtful intentionally. That many will and do and have taken it back.

Chris (le fiance) has been divorced twice. I have had my share of heartbreak. To the point of me (albeit foolishly) thinking I would quit Love, for a little peace of mind, and peace of heart. I don't know what I would do without Chris. He comprises so many of the reasons for me smiling everyday. And had he not lost out before, and had I not lost out while he watched and waited, we would not be together.

So, the tortoise is both black and bright, is I guess what I'm saying. :) And now I'm quoting obscure Melville, for which I apologize.

But you, friend, are awesome. And also, I miss you. :) My babycarrot sister and her new hubby moved to Portland recently, so Chris and I will be visiting soon. I will be sure to give you a call. If I have your number? Ok, now I'm realizing I should have emailed. My point is (finally!): let's exchange numbers if we haven't already. I love coffee. :)

Melissa said...

I struggle with letting go of needing the direction and letting myself be okay with what comes at me. I hope the universe helps you find what you need too. :)

Izzy said...

I think if you don't resist, the universe will lead you where you need to be, which isn't always where you WANT to be or where you think you SHOULD.

Not real helpful, am I ? lol

Izzy said...

Oops...that ought to read:

I think if you don't resist, the universe will lead you where you need to be, which isn't always where you WANT to be or where you think you SHOULD be.

M J said...

You know OG, these thoughts are constantly in my mind. I really could have written this exact post.

Bitter/not bitter... maybe wise to the world?

It certainly is a game. I hope we both win, whatever it means to win...