My bad things are:
1) My grandma died.
2) My biological father had a stroke and is in the hospital, his left side paralyzed.
3) OC is sick again, this time with much mucous in her lungs.
I am feeling tired and overly emotional today, so I did the only thing I could think of that might help: I placed an order at Gap.com. I feel a little bit better.
Dealing with death is hard, and the level of complicated emotions felt when the death of a family member occurs are, I think, proportional to the level of complications experienced in the relationship.
I am still marinating in my own thoughts, not yet ready (or able) to articulate very thoroughly how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. I suppose I am letting it all stew so I can make sense of it. That's what I do: think, ponder and make sense of the entire thing so I can expound on it. That is when I am able to talk about it, because that is when I begin to understand it myself.
I really liked something I read recently. It's a beautiful metaphor for life, perfect for when you are in the mood for contemplation. This is it, from DatingGod, and was written by Paulo Coelho:
A river never passes the same place twice,” says a philosopher. “Life is like a river,” says another philosopher, and we draw the conclusion that this is the metaphor that comes closest to the meaning of life. Consequently, it is always good to remember during all the year to come:
A] We are always doing things for the first time. While we move between our source (birth) to our destination (death), the landscape will always be new. We should face these novelties with joy, not with fear – because it is useless to fear what cannot be avoided. A river never stops running.
B] In a valley we walk slower. When everything around us becomes easier, the waters grow calm, we become more open, fuller and more generous.
C] Our banks are always fertile. Vegetation only grows where there is water. Whoever comes into contact with us needs to understand that we are there to give the thirsty something to drink.
D] Stones should be avoided. It is obvious that water is stronger than granite, but it takes time for this to happen. It is no good letting yourself be overcome by stronger obstacles, or trying to fight against them - that is a useless waste of energy. It is best to understand where the way out is, and then move forward.
E] Hollows call for patience. All of a sudden the river enters a sort of hole and stops running as joyfully as before. At such moments the only way out is to count on the help of time. When the right moment comes the hollow fills up and the water can flow ahead. In the place of the ugly, lifeless hole there now stands a lake that others can contemplate with joy.
F] We are one. We were born in a place that was meant for us, which will always keep us supplied with enough water so that when confronted with obstacles or depression we have the necessary patience or strength to move forward. We begin our course in a soft and fragile manner, where even a simple leaf can stop us. Nevertheless, as we respect the mystery of the source that gave us life, and trust in His eternal wisdom, little by little we gain all that we need to pursue our path.
F] Although we are one, soon we shall be many. As we travel on, the waters of other springs come closer, because that is the best path to follow. Then we are no longer just one, but many – and there comes a moment when we feel lost. However, as the Bible says, “all rivers flow to the sea.” It is impossible to remain in our solitude, no matter how romantic that may seem. When we accept the inevitable encounter with other springs, we eventually understand that this makes us much stronger, we get around obstacles or fill in the hollows in far less time and with greater ease.
G] We are a means of transportation; Of leaves, boats, ideas. May our waters always be generous, may we always be able to carry ahead everything or everyone that needs our help.
H] We are a source of inspiration.
And so, let us leave the final words to the Brazilian poet Manuel Bandeira, “To be like a river that flows silent through the night, not fearing the darkness and reflecting any stars high in the sky."
Peaceful. And lovely.