Wednesday, July 26, 2006

C'est Moi

It's amazing the coincidental experiences one can have with others in the virtual space of the internet. For example, Her Bad Mother wrote about an experience she just had that I also experienced. Last week. Even though I don't know this woman, I feel like the shared experience makes us the equivalent of BFF sisters because, dude. It's quite a rollercoaster of emotion, that.

I thought that I wasn't ready for another baby. I thought mostly about the lack of sleep, the crying, the physical havoc from hormones, and the mental havoc from all the crying....not to mention the fact that I just got married last year and I'm still trying to figure out this whole stay-at-home mom thing. When I think about it so logically and distantly, why would I ever choose that? It doesn't sound appealing in the least to any person.

Then again, my child is five YEARS old, not five MONTHS old. How much time do I need? If we don't have another child pretty soon they might be an entire generation apart in age. I don't want to wait too long. And then I started to think about babies and how chubby and sweet-smelling they are, how the screaming and crying doesn't last because they grow up so quickly, and how wonderful the smiles and hugs and slobbery kisses are....well, that's an appealing idea. Besides, I love my husband and I want to have a baby with him. I wonder what our child will be like. I know that the experience with him will be very different than when I had OC. It's very clear to me: I want that.

I'm glad I experienced the rollercoaster because for too long I'd been thinking logically and worked up a healthy (or unhealthy) fear about the prospect. Now, I know that I do want it to happen. Instead of worrying about the hard things, I look forward to the rewarding, wonderful things, and delight in wondering things like will it be a boy or a girl? What will life be like with a new baby in the family? What will it be like to have a boy? Or another girl? Will they have curly hair or straight? Will they be short or tall?

And I feel really good about where I am; looking forward to the changes. Even the things that will be hard. That is a much better place to be.

In other news, I'm going to Blogher. Since I don't have tickets for the first day's session I actually fly down on Friday in time to attend the event I could find tickets for, the cocktail party. I also attend the Day Two session. And, because of my recent experience, will be enjoying cocktails freely.

Of course, the readership (namely, lack thereof) of this little blog leads me to wonder if anyone will know me. I don't want to be the unknown weird girl standing off by herself, further engendering distance from the well-known blogging world by being so damn self-conscious. I don't want to be a blog groupie/freak, excited about seeing my favorite bloggers without them having a clue about me.

I suspect I am not alone in my fears, although it sure feels that way. I'm going to go into it looking to make connections with other bloggers and to learn something along the way. What else can I do?

For your reference, this is me:

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