The funeral was very personal, very Ralph. Many people came, and there was time set aside for people to share their personal stories, which was uplifting and sweet. It's hard to lose somebody. So much is lost when a person dies. All their knowledge and experience, and a lifetime spent gathering information is suddenly gone. Luckily, Ralph got to share plenty of that hard-won wisdom through mentoring many people in AA, and also with his family. All who knew him greatly benefitted from knowing him, and of being in the midst of his positive attitude.
OC and I enjoyed spending some extra time together, since I was able to take time off for funeral leave. I tried to relax, but it was hard since I am not a relaxed person by nature. I am always busy thinking of the next thing, rather than enjoying what is happening in the present moment. I tried to take advantage of the extra time and let OC choose things to do and to not hurry her along, but I don't think I did a very good job with that. It's just not in me to be easygoing and carefree.
These past few days, I have been thinking, "What the hell is wrong with me?" I have been anxious and fretting over wedding plans, the remodel, moving, and all the details that go along with those things. There is only a short amount of time to take care of everything, to meet with all the people we still need to meet with; to plan, order things and organize ourselves. I wonder how we will get it all done.
Not only do I have anxiety, I have guilt. I keep thinking how there are people suffering greatly, and I should be so lucky to have such "problems" as these. I also keep thinking how I need to keep some perspective, to relax and systematically get things done. I'm trying to enjoy this time, I really am! I know I shouldn't feel guilty, because everyone should be able to enjoy the happy celebrations in life, and they happen whether or not there is a disaster in some part of the world or not. Guilt signifies something is wrong, and I know I'm not doing anything wrong, and therefore should not feel guilty. There is a difference between knowing something intellectually and feeling something. Sometimes the mind and emotions are independent of one another.
The thing about me is, I am great with planning but not so great when it comes time for the actual thing I have spent time planning for. Invariably I end up all out of sorts on a day that does not encompass my usual routine, yet there are days when I can say honestly that I hate my routine. I hate it sometimes, yet crave it and need it in order to feel like there is order, that I am not forgetting anything.
This whole process is really testing the limits of my current medication. Anxiety is back with a vengeance, although at much lower levels than I would be experiencing without any medication. It's entirely manageable, I shouldn't say "vengeance". It's there, lingering, reminding me that it hasn't gone away completely. I need to only think how it can be managed. The perspective comes and goes.
I am breathing, reminding myself to enjoy the moment, remembering that it won't be this way for long, and turn my attention toward accomplishing what most needs to be done in order to relieve anxiety. I know things will be fine, that it will work out. The wedding will be wonderful even if it's not perfect; the remodel will turn out great even if it will be expensive. Soon I will be a new wife, with a new husband, a new bedroom, and a new bathroom to enjoy. Soon I will forget completely about how worried I was during this time.
Or, I won't forget about it because I've written about it here. Oops.