Monday, July 18, 2005

New Floors, New Life

I spent the weekend moving furniture with my fiance. We moved it out of his house so he could have the hardwood floors refinished. It took a while longer than we both thought, but it's done. Now the floors can be sanded, stained and polished to a new glowy finish. Then we can move in the furniture we’re keeping, and rearrange to our heart’s content.

Having the floors done is exciting, because it feels like progress. It's a tangible step in our relationship; Making the house more of a home so we can build our lives together. Yes, I know it's a bit of a stretch to make an analogy between a relationship and floor refinishing, but it works for me.

We're getting married in a few months. I am so excited, and not in the usual way brides-to-be are excited. This is like, relief to have found myself after the recent, excruciatingly painful couple of years. To reach this point, I survived the deaths of two close family members, divorce, single motherhood, loneliness, and terrible doubt to come out the other side. Now I can say with pride that I am a good provider, a pretty good mom, and that I can take stand up for and take care of myself. These are not words that would’ve entered my negative mindset thinking, even up until a few months ago! But now, I'm at the point where I can say, yes, I am a good partner; I am ready to be married. I am at peace with myself. and what a feeling! I am relieved to have found a man to be my partner; an honest, genuinely sweet, warm person who loves me like there’s no tomorrow and I love him back just as hard. By all miracles, our relationship survived and now it’s thriving. I am ready to plan the future!

The wedding this fall will be the first time my entire family has come together for a happy event in more than a decade. I'd say it's high time we get together and have fun times, damn it!

That's not to say my family doesn't like to get together; We do. We love each other, it's just in our own complicated ways. Families are nothing if not complicated. The sadness of the recent years with the death of my brother and father were really, really awful and sent us spinning off in our own directions, unsure of where we'd end up. More on family later.

Looking back at my life, I’ve noticed that my tendency is to bring people together. It looks like I'm doing that again. I recognize that may be my purpose in life, that I’m needed to bring people together who need to be together for whatever reason. Or not. Maybe I’ve done it once and that’s enough. Who knows? All I know now is, I look at life symbolically now, and that makes it easier to understand. It’s definitely more peaceful that way. I relax into the knowledge that all I have to do is show up….and pay attention. I am truly grateful for the gifts I have been given. I’m learning to quit fighting, to understand that I really don’t have control. It’s been a wonderful relief not to carry that burden anymore. Things have fallen into place, and for that I am grateful.

I am also grateful that my entire family will be in town in three months! I can’t wait to see tham, all at once!

So this is my first entry. I guess I should talk a little bit about why I started this blog. I like reading blogs, for one. I started a blog because I want to record instances, experiences, and funny stories. It will be about my life, things I have learned, and will probably evolve quite a bit. This will be fun!

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